bobbin' along in a barrel

my favorite movie line of all time is "I am not under any orders to make the world a better place." but my second favorite is "Men make women messy." isn't that a great line? yea, it's just super duper - it gave me a reason and excuse not to let anyone close, to be a smartass about everything and leave me unsatisfied. i lived this way for most of my twenties and i think i am finally tired of it. but at the same time it is very hard to let go - i guess i just got used to it.

very recently, in a commercial for a movie, i heard "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." i didn't think much about it until i realized that i agree with it. so the question is - what am i so scared of?

i know exactly what the problem is, i watch entirely too much tv and too many movies and i guess i am looking for "hollywood" love, as we all are right? i just love unrequited love and teenage love (that is a blog for another day) and lovers that must overcome multiple obstacles in order to be with one another - i guess i just love the struggle, but why?

i have a friend that once told me that she wanted to see me happy and that i "deserved" to be in love. deserved? that word baffles my mind. what exactly have i done to deserve love? i just don't see how that could be.

i believe i deserve to stump my toe after making fun of my sister's sandwich ("it smells like burnt toast in here"). and i deserve to stay employed if i do my job but i am pretty sure i have not done anything in the love department (at least nothing i am aware of). is there some sort of checklist out there? have i managed to catagorily avoid all those tasks that lead to love for the past 28 years?

ok, now i am just getting bored with myself and i fear i have grown too whiney to have someone in my life. i think i should end this post right here.